Act I, Scene 3

A room in the Garter Inn.

[Enter FALSTAFF, Host, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL,] [p]and ROBIN]

• Falstaff. Mine host of the Garter!

• Host. What says my bully-rook? speak scholarly and wisely.

• Falstaff. Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my
  followers.

• Host. Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot. 310

• Falstaff. I sit at ten pounds a week.

• Host. Thou'rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I
  will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall
  tap: said I well, bully Hector?

• Falstaff. Do so, good mine host. 315

• Host. I have spoke; let him follow.
  [To BARDOLPH]
  Let me see thee froth and lime: I am at a word; follow.

[Exit]

• Falstaff. Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade: 320
  an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered
  serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.

• Bardolph. It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive.

• Pistol. O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield?

[Exit BARDOLPH]

• Nym. He was gotten in drink: is not the humour conceited?

• Falstaff. I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: his
  thefts were too open; his filching was like an
  unskilful singer; he kept not time.

• Nym. The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest. 330

• Pistol. 'Convey,' the wise it call. 'Steal!' foh! a fico
  for the phrase!

• Falstaff. Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.

• Pistol. Why, then, let kibes ensue.

• Falstaff. There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift. 335

• Pistol. Young ravens must have food.

• Falstaff. Which of you know Ford of this town?

• Pistol. I ken the wight: he is of substance good.

• Falstaff. My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.

• Pistol. Two yards, and more. 340

• Falstaff. No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two
  yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about
  thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's
  wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses,
  she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: I 345
  can construe the action of her familiar style; and
  the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished
  rightly, is, 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.'

• Pistol. He hath studied her will, and translated her will,
  out of honesty into English. 350

• Nym. The anchor is deep: will that humour pass?

• Falstaff. Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her
  husband's purse: he hath a legion of angels.

• Pistol. As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I.

• Nym. The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels. 355

• Falstaff. I have writ me here a letter to her: and here
  another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good
  eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious
  oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my
  foot, sometimes my portly belly. 360

• Pistol. Then did the sun on dunghill shine.

• Nym. I thank thee for that humour.

• Falstaff. O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a
  greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did
  seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here's 365
  another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she
  is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will
  be cheater to them both, and they shall be
  exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West
  Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou 370
  this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to
  Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.

• Pistol. Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
  And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!

• Nym. I will run no base humour: here, take the 375
  humour-letter: I will keep the havior of reputation.

• Falstaff. [To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
  Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
  Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;
  Trudge, plod away o' the hoof; seek shelter, pack! 380
  Falstaff will learn the humour of the age,
  French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page.

[Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN]

• Pistol. Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,
  And high and low beguiles the rich and poor: 385
  Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
  Base Phrygian Turk!

• Nym. I have operations which be humours of revenge.

• Pistol. Wilt thou revenge?

• Nym. By welkin and her star! 390

• Pistol. With wit or steel?

• Nym. With both the humours, I:
  I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.

• Pistol. And I to Ford shall eke unfold
  How Falstaff, varlet vile, 395
  His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
  And his soft couch defile.

• Nym. My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to
  deal with poison; I will possess him with
  yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous: 400
  that is my true humour.

• Pistol. Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on.

[Exeunt]