Act IV, Scene 5

A room in the Garter Inn.

[Enter Host and SIMPLE]

• Host. What wouldst thou have, boor? what: thick-skin? 2295
  speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.

• Simple. Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff
  from Master Slender.

• Host. There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his
  standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about 2300
  with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go
  knock and call; hell speak like an Anthropophaginian
  unto thee: knock, I say.

• Simple. There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his
  chamber: I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come 2305
  down; I come to speak with her, indeed.

• Host. Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed: I'll
  call. Bully knight! bully Sir John! speak from
  thy lungs military: art thou there? it is thine
  host, thine Ephesian, calls. 2310

• Falstaff. [Above] How now, mine host!

• Host. Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of
  thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her
  descend; my chambers are honourable: fie! privacy?
  fie! 2315

[Enter FALSTAFF]

• Falstaff. There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with
  me; but she's gone.

• Simple. Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of
  Brentford? 2320

• Falstaff. Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her?

• Simple. My master, sir, Master Slender, sent to her, seeing
  her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether
  one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the
  chain or no. 2325

• Falstaff. I spake with the old woman about it.

• Simple. And what says she, I pray, sir?

• Falstaff. Marry, she says that the very same man that
  beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of
  it. 2330

• Simple. I would I could have spoken with the woman herself;
  I had other things to have spoken with her too from
  him.

• Falstaff. What are they? let us know.

• Host. Ay, come; quick. 2335

• Simple. I may not conceal them, sir.

• Host. Conceal them, or thou diest.

• Simple. Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne
  Page; to know if it were my master's fortune to
  have her or no. 2340

• Falstaff. 'Tis, 'tis his fortune.

• Simple. What, sir?

• Falstaff. To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.

• Simple. May I be bold to say so, sir?

• Falstaff. Ay, sir; like who more bold. 2345

• Simple. I thank your worship: I shall make my master glad
  with these tidings.

[Exit]

• Host. Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was
  there a wise woman with thee? 2350

• Falstaff. Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught
  me more wit than ever I learned before in my life;
  and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for
  my learning.

[Enter BARDOLPH]

• Bardolph. Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage!

• Host. Where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto.

• Bardolph. Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came
  beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of
  them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away, 2360
  like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.

• Host. They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do not
  say they be fled; Germans are honest men.

[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS]

• Sir Hugh Evans. Where is mine host? 2365

• Host. What is the matter, sir?

• Sir Hugh Evans. Have a care of your entertainments: there is a
  friend of mine come to town tells me there is three
  cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of
  Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and 2370
  money. I tell you for good will, look you: you
  are wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and
  'tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.

[Exit]

[Enter DOCTOR CAIUS]

• Doctor Caius. Vere is mine host de Jarteer?

• Host. Here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.

• Doctor Caius. I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a me dat
  you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany: by
  my trot, dere is no duke dat the court is know to 2380
  come. I tell you for good vill: adieu.

[Exit]

• Host. Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight. I am
  undone! Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!

[Exeunt Host and BARDOLPH]

• Falstaff. I would all the world might be cozened; for I have
  been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to
  the ear of the court, how I have been transformed
  and how my transformation hath been washed and
  cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat drop by 2390
  drop and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrant
  they would whip me with their fine wits till I were
  as crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered
  since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my
  wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent. 2395
  [Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY]
  Now, whence come you?

• Hostess Quickly. From the two parties, forsooth.

• Falstaff. The devil take one party and his dam the other! and
  so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more 2400
  for their sakes, more than the villanous inconstancy
  of man's disposition is able to bear.

• Hostess Quickly. And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant;
  speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart,
  is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a 2405
  white spot about her.

• Falstaff. What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was
  beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow;
  and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
  Brentford: but that my admirable dexterity of wit, 2410
  my counterfeiting the action of an old woman,
  delivered me, the knave constable had set me i' the
  stocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch.

• Hostess Quickly. Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: you
  shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your 2415
  content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good
  hearts, what ado here is to bring you together!
  Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that
  you are so crossed.

• Falstaff. Come up into my chamber. 2420

[Exeunt]